I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I think your dad took our porno
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
