my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
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You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
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The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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