Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
