Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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