Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
