Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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