i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
