Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
