im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
i think my mom watched the whole time
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
