Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
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