I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
