I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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