Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
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