I'm eating all of the evidence.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
