I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
