i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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