I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
