I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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