So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
