She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
