Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize