the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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