I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
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