I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
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