My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
