Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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