I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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