i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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