so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
