On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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