Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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