she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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