i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
