i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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