Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
