Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
