My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
