beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
