I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
