Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
