got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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