I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
