My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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