You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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