im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
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