If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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