her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
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I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
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I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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