I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize
