I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
