I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
