she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
