He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Randomize
