if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
