Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Randomize
