Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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