Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
