Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
