Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Randomize
